[TV static drones]
[bright tone]
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[cheers and applause]
- Welcome, welcome, welcome to "Last Week Tonight."
Thank you so much for joining us.
I'm John Oliver.
Just time for a quick recap of the week,
and we begin in Brazil, the country with
the second-most-valuable Amazon on Earth.
Brazil is facing numerous problems right now,
from the Zika virus to a struggling economy.
And this week, it was plunged into political turmoil.
Ortigas: Hundreds of thousands of Brazilians
are taking to the streets all across the country,
calling for the impeachment of their president,
Dilma Rousseff.
People here are saying they're tired of being lied to.
And they're particularly tired
of this very deep economic recession
that the country is in.
- Yes, the protesters want
to forcibly remove their president.
And as Brazilians know well,
you don't want to remove something
slowly and methodically.
You want to do it quickly all at once.
The Brazilian legislature is moving to impeach
President Rousseff.
Although they may not be in a great position to judge,
given that 60% of them face criminal charges of some kind,
ranging from electoral fraud to homicide.
And think about that.
The Brazilian legislature potentially contains
40% fewer criminals per capita
than the Brazilian prison system.
But Rousseff's latest trouble concerns her predecessor,
Lula da Silva, and his connection to the ongoing
investigation into bribes and kickbacks at Petrobras,
Brazil's state-run oil company.
And incidentally, is there ever
a state-run oil company that is not corrupt?
The only two words that are more inherently suspicious
than "state-run" are "oil company."
Except-- except that's not actually true.
The list of suspicious two-word phrases goes:
"open marriage," "well-spoken,"
"homeopathic remedy," "state-run,"
"father-daughter," "oil-company,"
and "discount sushi."
But--but Lula-- Lula da Silva--
Lula da Silva is facing charges connected to Petrobras.
And while he claims they were politically motivated,
Rousseff didn't exactly calm things down this week
when she made a surprise staffing choice.
- Former president Lula is now going to be serving
as chief of staff for Dilma Rousseff,
the current president.
If he is in the cabinet,
he is protected from prosecution
by anyone except the highest court in Brazil.
- Wow. He virtually has immunity.
That does not look good.
And it says something about what some protesters think of Lula
that they already had a giant inflatable effigy on hand
the second the move was announced.
Although-- although I will say
that balloon looks less like Lula
and more like a Picasso drawing of Mandy Patinkin.
But--but this was just the beginning
of a bewilderingly dramatic few days there.
First a Brazilian judge nullified the appointment.
Then a judge from a higher court nullified that nullification.
And then things got crazy.
- As soon as President Rousseff
got an injunction overturned
against Lula being appointed to her cabinet,
at least 20 other judges across the country filed
their own injunctions to block him from taking the post.
- That's right, the judiciary is now
in open revolt against the executive branch.
And not just that,
but huge pro-Rousseff and Lula rallies
took place on Friday.
And let's all please enjoy
this brief moment of feeling superior
to the political chaos of Brazil,
because it's exactly
how the rest of the world will feel this summer,
watching the Republican Party tear itself apart,
denying the person who got the most votes their nomination.
So for now, let's move on to the Supreme Court,
America's fifth-most-watched legal drama.
On Wednesday--on Wednesday, the president
unveiled his pick for their newest member.
- Today I am nominating
Chief Judge Merrick Brian Garland
to join the Supreme Court.
woman: By all accounts,
Judge Garland is deeply experienced.
He is seen by some as really the best pick
that a Republican Senate could ask for
from a Democratic president.
- Yes, Garland is an experienced, moderate judge,
respected by everyone on both sides of the aisle,
which is, frankly, more than you can say
for most people at their own wedding.
And it is-- it's not just his moderate views
that might make him appealing to Republicans.
There's another, slightly creepier factor
to take into consideration.
man: Merrick Garland is 63 years old,
one of the oldest nominees ever.
- It's an easier pill for Republicans to swallow,
having someone older rather than someone younger.
- He is a consensus candidate. He's 63 years old.
He's unlikely to serve, you know, very long.
- Holy shit!
It has got to be a bit weird
hearing one of your most attractive qualities
is your diminished life span.
The message to Republicans is essentially:
think about Merrick Garland
the way you think about the 14-year-old cat
your girlfriend had when you moved in.
You may not like him,
but at least he'll be dead relatively soon.
But Senate Republicans have vowed not to confirm anyone
Obama nominates to the Supreme Court.
And in the wake of Garland's nomination,
they insisted their position has not changed.
- The decision the Senate announced weeks ago
remains about a principle and not a person.
- I'm not gonna change my position,
'cause it's based on the principle.
- I've said repeatedly:
I don't care if they put my brother on there.
- It doesn't matter if Obama would--
would nominate George W. Bush.
I would still not do it.
- Wait, wait, wait.
You created a hypothetical
using the best candidate you could think of,
and you came up with George W. Bush?
"Why, I wouldn't go into that restaurant
if Guy Fieri himself was the chef!"
What--what point are you trying to make there?
The--the Republicans are in a tough spot here.
They know their position is logically indefensible,
and some, like Senator Orrin Hatch,
have really painted themselves into a corner.
In 2010, he called Garland "a consensus nominee"
but is now refusing to even meet with him.
And there is something profoundly emblematic
of the Republicans' cynicism in his explanation for why.
- Right now, the political arena is toxic, difficult,
and terrible to bring this nominee up at this time.
- Hold on.
The atmosphere is too toxic to bring him up?
You are the one making it toxic!
I live by a hard and fast rule.
You do not get out of having to do the dishes
just because you took a shit in the sink.
And now this.
- It's always good to come back home, always.
I don't care where you've been.
- Seems like you got a tan.
- You noticed, yeah. Rose: I did.
- Welcome back to "CBS This Morning."
- Can I see that one more time?
- Charlie likes black people.
[laughter]
Charlie, it's not good to date coworkers,
so leave me alone.
- But we had a good time, didn't we?
- We had a really good time. - [laughs]
- Oh, more on that later.
[laughter]
- A gentleman never tells.
- And, Charlie, don't you find it attractive
when women make the first move?
- Absolutely. I was gonna say that.
woman: It's endearing. - I do, yeah.
- There's no reason to think a man is not gonna like you
because you come over.
- I only look at Charlie's suit every day.
He always looks handsome in blue, I think.
- Thank you, darling. O'Donnell: You're welcome.
[laughs]
- Do you two want to be alone?
- Charlie, you have a little tickle in your throat,
but you don't think it's-- - A little cold coming in.
King: Where'd you get that cold from?
- I think I got it from her last week.
- Next time, we'll take a break from kissing
when I've got a cold; sorry about that.
- That's right.
- You like sweet things. I know you do.
- I do, but not cupcakes. - I know you like sweet things.
[laughter]
woman: Whoo. All right.
- Moving on.
Our--our main story tonight concerns walls,
the envy of all employees who work in open-plan offices.
"I would take a fucking beaded curtain just so I don't have
"to directly observe Carol clip her nails.
Do it at home, Carol!"
This year, one particular wall
has gotten a lot of our attention.
- I will build a great, great wall on our southern border.
That's a Trump wall. Beautiful wall.
I will build the greatest wall that you've ever seen.
If they ever put my name on it, I want a gorgeous wall.
You know?
The Trump wall.
Oh, will that be a beautiful wall.
- Yes, Donald Trump wants to build a wall
on the U.S.-Mexican border.
And, based on his tone, he also wants to fuck that wall.
The wall is such--it's such a fixture of his speeches
and so popular among his supporters,
one man even wore a spandex wall costume
at one of his rallies.
And, I mean, that's kind of incredible.
The only group of people more excited about barriers
are high school health teachers.
"Oh, that's right, cool guys and cool gals,
"when you're horny, there is nothing better
"than a good dental dam.
It feels exactly the same."
It doesn't. It doesn't.
It--it really doesn't.
The border wall is one of the few policy proposals
Trump has talked about in detail.
So instead of mocking or dismissing it out of hand,
tonight let's take a serious proposal
by a serious presidential candidate seriously.
And first let's put aside
the potential racism and xenophobia involved here.
We can come back to that later.
And instead let's focus on the practicality
of whether and how it can actually be done.
Now, let's start with the cost.
When Trump first started talking about this,
he said it would cost a lot but not a lot, a lot.
- Let's say the wall costs $4 billion.
You know, they say $10 billion.
That means $4 billion if you know what you're doing.
- Okay, so--so he's saying he could build a wall
at 40% of what it would cost others,
which I would say is an insane magic trick
if I thought his tiny fingers
could wrap all the way around a magic wand.
Actual photo.
Actual--actual photo.
But--but since then, his estimate has grown.
Trump: The wall is gonna cost $6 billion or $7 billion.
The wall is probably $8 billion.
The wall gets built.
It's gonna cost $10 billion to build the wall.
Okay? A lot of money. It's a wall.
The wall's gonna cost $10 billion.
Maybe $12 billion, depending.
- Okay, so we've gone from $4 billion to $12 billion.
Donald Trump's margin of error is the entire GDP of Moldova.
But--but still, fair enough, we're now at $12 billion.
But to truly know the real cost,
we're gonna need to know
what the wall is going to be made from.
Now, if only Donald Trump could explain that to me
like I'm a child.
boy: So you're going to build the wall.
What's it going to be made out of?
- Ohh.
Hey, that's a good question.
Lift him up here. Bring him up here.
- What are the walls going to be made out of?
- I'll tell you what it's gonna be made of.
It's gonna be made of hardened concrete
and it's gonna be made out of rebar and steel.
- Okay, first--first,
Trump is holding that child less like a human being
and more like a cat he just gave a bath to.
But--but second--
second, to be fair, rebar and steel.
Okay, that is a clear answer. I appreciate that.
Now--now, the amount we would need
would depend on the height of the wall.
Unfortunately, Trump has been unclear on that,
suggesting numbers ranging from 35 to 90 feet.
So let's work with his lowest estimate,
a 35-foot-tall wall,
which Trump has said we would need
around 1,000 miles of.
Now, according to one estimator and construction economist,
that would cost $10 billion for the concrete panels
and $5 billion to $6 billion for steel columns,
including labor, plus another $1 billion
for concrete footing for the columns
and a concrete foundation.
So that's at least $16 billion.
We're already $4 billion over his largest budget,
and we've only just gotten started here.
Because those materials are heavy,
and you're gonna have to transport them
into many areas that are currently inaccessible
to construction vehicles.
So that same expert estimates another $2 billion
to build roads so that 20-ton trucks
can deliver those materials.
And that's not even getting into another 30% or so
for engineering, design, and management.
So now we're up to around $25 billion,
anywhere from two to six times Trump's estimates.
But wait, 'cause we're still not done.
All of that is just building the wall.
The Congressional Budget Office estimated
for a similar project that wall maintenance costs
would exceed the initial construction costs
within seven years.
So it's a big, dumb thing
that only gets more expensive over time.
It's like getting a pet walrus.
You think it's stupid now,
wait until you learn what a bucket of sea cucumbers costs.
You've not prepared for that.
But--but whatever the cost is,
Trump claims he has got a way to pay for it.
- Mexico is going to pay for the wall.
They're going to pay for the wall.
Mexico is going to pay for the wall.
Mexico's gonna pay for the wall,
and they're gonna be happy about it.
- Of course they are. Of course they are.
People love it when you make them pay for shit
they don't want.
That's why everyone is so happy when their cable company
bundles together cable, Internet, and landline.
Ooh, landline!
Ooh, thank you.
Oh, landline. Lucky me.
That'll come in handy when I need to call my cell phone
'cause I can't find it, and that's about it.
But--but is Mexico going to pay for the wall?
Because the current Mexican treasury secretary has said,
"Mexico, under no circumstance, is going to pay for the wall
that Mr. Trump is proposing."
And two former Mexican presidents were even clearer.
- Mexican people, we are not going to pay
any single cent for such a stupid wall.
- I declare I'm not gonna pay for that fucking wall.
He should pay for it!
[laughter and applause]
- I think--I think the best part of that clip is the fact
that he even took the extra effort to swear in English.
"Hey, this may be my second language,
"but I want to make absolutely sure
you fuckers understand it."
But when Trump was asked about these comments,
he responded with characteristic diplomacy.
- The wall just got 10 feet taller, believe me.
[cheers and applause] It just got 10 feet taller.
- Come on.
Things don't get bigger just because you're angry.
If that were true,
Alec Baldwin would be 100 feet tall by now.
Now--now, to be fair--
to be fair here, Trump has thought through
how he will get Mexico to foot the bill.
- We have right now a $58-billion trade deficit
with Mexico.
That's why the wall gets built, by the way.
That's why they're gonna pay for it.
- Okay, I see. I see.
Mexico will pay because we have a trade deficit.
I understand.
Unfortunately, that's literally not how anything works.
Because while, yes, we did buy $58 billion more
in goods and services from Mexico
than they did from us last year,
that money doesn't belong to the Mexican government.
It's earned by Mexican businesses.
It's not lying around in some centralized
Scrooge McDuck money bin labeled,
"Dumb Americans' Money:
Do not spend on border fence."
But look, let's put all this aside,
and let's say we did find the money.
Where would we put a border wall?
Now, your instinct says, "On the border."
But even that is actually more difficult than it sounds.
And we know this 'cause in 2006, George W. Bush
signed the Secure Fence Act,
which called for the construction
of 700 miles of fencing along the border,
a project which, incidentally,
then-senators Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton voted for,
which is terrible.
Although keep in mind
that millions of you voted for Taylor Hicks in 2006,
so maybe don't be quite so quick to judge.
Soul patrol!
That--that fence--
that fence ran into a lot of problems, though.
For instance, in large stretches of Texas,
the border consists of the Rio Grande,
and typically, you can't build a wall along the river,
as a 1970 treaty prohibits building anything
that may cause obstruction of normal flow of the river.
And for that and other reasons,
some stretches of the border fence
were built considerably inland.
And as towns like Brownsville, Texas, have learned,
that can be a problem.
- This here is the Rio Grande River.
This cuts all the way.
You can see it makes a natural crescent there.
This is Mexico, all back here.
Here's where the wall's built.
So all of this golf course
is now stuck in between Mexico
and this border fence.
- It's true.
That golf course was stuck between
the U.S. border fence and Mexico
in a space that, like the Queso Diablo burrito at Qdoba,
isn't really American but sure as shit isn't Mexican.
And--and the ridiculousness of this situation
was not lost on the people who played there.
Brinkley: You realize when you're golfing here
that you're in the--
you're not really in the United States or Mexico here?
- I don't care where I am as long as I'm on a golf course.
Brinkley: Do you think it's helping with security?
- No. Stupid.
[laughter]
- I think--I think that woman just said in two words
what I'm taking 20 minutes to say in this piece.
"Does the fence help?"
"No. Stupid."
And look, Texas became a real problem
for constructing that fence,
because in Texas, unlike in other states,
there is no federally owned buffer along the Mexican border,
meaning the land is mostly owned by private citizens
like the Loop family,
who owned a ranch in Texas
and discovered that 3/4 of their land
would suddenly be on the other side of the fence.
woman: When Homeland Security asked the Loops
to sign away rights to their land for the fence,
they said no way.
- I said that I'm not signing anything at this point.
Nothing. This is not possible.
woman: So the government used the power of eminent domain
and condemned their property.
- Wow.
And the Loops were not alone.
Hundreds of property owners were sued by the federal government
so the fence could be built.
Perhaps the only silver lining here might be that historically,
in America, when the federal government takes your land
and treats you terribly,
you at least get an offensive football team named after you.
So I guess, one day, we can all look forward
to the Washington Loops.
Hey, it's a sign of respect!
They're respecting their heritage.
Why can't you understand that?
And the fence's damage didn't stop there,
because Michael Chertoff, then secretary of Homeland Security,
signed a document giving his department the authority
to waive 36 laws to build the fence,
including the Endangered Species Act,
the Safe Drinking Water Act,
and the Native American Graves Protection and Repatriation Act.
He even welded parts of the fence himself,
wearing an American eagle face mask.
And he looks like a member of Daft Punk,
if Daft Punk played nothing but Lee Greenwood covers.
And that Native American grave clause
came in horrifyingly handy,
as this Native American leader explains.
- Fragments of human remains
were found in heavy equipment tracks
on the Christian Ranch archaeological site,
a site now crossed by barriers and the border road.
Imagine a bulldozer in your family graveyard.
- Ooh.
I mean, say what you will,
but I think "Imagine a bulldozer in your family graveyard"
is definitely the worst verse of John Lennon's "Imagine."
It's not my favorite. It is not my favorite.
And by waiving the protections for wildlife,
the fence has posed dangers to the survival in the U.S.
of everything from jaguars to pronghorns
to pygmy owls.
And look how shocked they look by that fact.
Although--although I will admit they do permanently look like
you've just murdered their entire family.
But--but look--but look, Trump might well argue
having a wall is worth all of this,
because it will act as a fortress
to stop people and drugs flowing across the border.
But let's look at that.
Because the most recent authoritative estimate suggests
nearly half of the unauthorized migrants in the U.S.
entered legally, through a port of entry
like an airport or a border crossing,
usually with visas that they then overstayed.
A wall can't stop that.
It's like wearing a condom to protect against head lice.
You could do that, but that's not really
how you keep the thing you're worried about from happening,
which is not to say that there are not some people
crossing the border where a wall would be.
But would a wall really stop them?
- What the border patrol says,
and I've spoken to a lot of their people,
is, look, first of all, if you build a 30-foot wall,
all it's gonna do is create a market for 31-foot ladders.
- Of course. Of course that's right.
And by the way, remember,
when you're looking for a 31-foot ladder, avoid Werner.
Climbing a Werner ladder
is like dousing yourself in cooking grease
and climbing a pile of tetanus.
Do yourself a favor and get a DeWALT ladder.
And I'm not being paid to say that.
I'm just a fan.
A fan and a very happy customer.
And ladders are not the wall's only weakness.
Watch as Donald Trump inadvertently stumbles his way
into a key realization.
- So...
you take precast plank.
It comes 30 feet long, 40 feet long, 50 feet long.
There's no ladder going over that.
If they ever get up there, they're in trouble,
'cause there's no way to get down.
Maybe a rope.
- Yeah.
Yes.
Maybe a rope. Yes, yes.
Your brilliant plan has been undone
by mankind's third invention.
And as for stopping drugs,
walls and fences have not posed
much of a challenge to cartels.
- In Mexico, police have discovered a tunnel
believed to have been used to smuggle drugs into the U.S.
man: Using this makeshift cannon,
they were shooting packages,
small packages of marijuana across the border.
These men were actually using a catapult
to launch drugs across the border.
- Other smugglers have kept it a bit simpler than that.
They just get somebody with a really good arm,
who throws it over the fence like a football.
- Okay, okay, well, I will say
if they're looking for a new recruit,
I know Peyton Manning is currently between jobs.
But--but let's-- let's face it.
For many people, efficacy is beside the point.
This wall is about making us feel safer.
And here is where the racism and xenophobia
that we put aside at the top of this piece
really needs to be brought back.
Because while other politicians
have supported barriers at the border,
Donald Trump has been uncommonly clear
about who we need to be protected from.
- When Mexico sends its people,
they're not sending their best.
They're bringing drugs. They're bringing crime.
They're rapists.
And some, I assume, are good people.
- Trump--Trump sounds like an angry villager
running through the town square yelling,
"Werewolves! Run for your lives!
"Though some, I assume, are good werewolves,
"but they're here to kill you!
"With maybe a few exceptions.
"But mostly, werewolves! Run!
"Run from the werewolves--
"Werewolves love me, and I love werewolves,
but they're here to kill all of us."
But about that.
Because while, yes, individual undocumented immigrants
have committed horrible crimes,
so, obviously, have American citizens.
And in fact, researchers consistently find
that immigrants are less, not more, crime prone
than their native-born counterparts.
The crime rates among immigrants, once here,
are relatively tiny digits,
which is something Donald Trump should frankly understand
given that he has ten of them
attached to his miniscule wrists.
[cheers and applause]
Now--this is--
None of this is to say that the idea of a wall
is not still comforting for some people.
Or, as one man who actually lives near the border puts it...
- This was put up to illustrate
to Joe Whoever
up in Dubuque or someplace--
They see a picture of this, and their overstuffed butts
in an overstuffed chair looking at a too big TV think,
"Oh, yeah, that'll stop 'em."
Well, of course, it doesn't.
- This guy is amazing, shitting on the fat-cat,
out-of-touch metropolis that is Dubuque, Iowa.
But--but even if it does
make the people of Dubuque feel safer,
given everything we've seen, is it worth it?
'Cause remember, we calculated earlier
that this could conservatively cost $25 billion,
excluding the cost of both maintenance
and the land under it.
That works out to around $77 per person.
And here is where I would like to make a counterproposal
to Donald Trump's wall plan.
If the main thing it's going to get us
is a warm sense of satisfaction inside,
I suggest, instead of building that wall,
we use the money to buy every man, woman, and child in America
a Palmer waffle iron.
These beauties retail at $75 apiece,
so we'd still have nearly a billion dollars left over.
And just to be clear, this isn't one per household.
This is one per person.
You have five people in your family?
You got have five waffle irons coming your way.
Not only is this cost-effective;
unless you are a really sick fuck,
this waffle iron plan would not kill a single pygmy owl.
And look, I know what you're thinking:
"John, this is a stupid idea."
But is it? Is it really?
Yes, obviously it is.
But is it significantly stupider than Donald Trump's wall?
Because this waffle iron plan will cost less;
it'll do nearly as much to keep out immigrants and drugs;
it won't harm our relationship
with our third-largest trading partner;
if it is racist, it's only toward Belgians;
and--and--and unlike Donald Trump's wall,
this makes fucking waffles!
So come on, America!
Let's ask ourselves:
what kind of country do we want to wake up to?
One that spends billions on an impossible,
impractical symbol of fear
or one that smells like breakfast?
Exactly!
And now this.
- * Oh, baby, what you done to me *
O'Donnell: * Done to me - * To me
- * You make me feel so good inside *
- * Good inside
- * And I just wanna be
- * So close to you - * To you
- * You make me feel so alive *
- Ohh.
- The news is back in the morning.
- I'm--I'm gonna die and go to heaven right now.
- And finally tonight,
a few more words on the Supreme Court,
site of more flowy black robes
than Mariah Carey packing for a funeral.
If you remember from earlier, the Senate is stalling
confirmation hearings for Merrick Garland.
But we at "Last Week Tonight"
do not have the luxury of time on this,
because if there is even a chance
that Garland might be confirmed,
that is going to impact our all-dog Supreme Court.
These are the dogs that we use
to reenact Supreme Court oral arguments
because cameras are still not allowed in the courtroom.
Now, this--this new dog
will have some big paw prints to fill,
'cause while Antonin Scalia
was a divisive figure on the court,
Bulldog Scalia was universally beloved
due to his cheerful demeanor,
surprisingly dexterous paws,
and his ability to avoid humping Justice Kagan,
which, frankly, could not be said
for all the justices.
I'm talking to you, Samuel Alito.
Bad justice! Bad, bad justice!
So if Merrick Garland is going to take Scalia's place,
we need a dog who captures his essence.
And that is why tonight
we are asking you, the public, to advise and consent
as we pick from among these three fantastic dog justices,
any one of whom could effectively portray
Merrick Garland.
Now, from left, we have Mollie,
who, if appointed, would be the first miniature schnauzer
to serve on the highest dog court in the land.
In the middle, there is Biscuit,
a pug with surprisingly nuanced opinions
on drug sentencing laws
and time-outs for sitting on the couch.
And finally, there is Winston,
a terrier known for his blistering dissents
and glossy coat.
Winston still makes time
for his wife of nearly two years and their 37 kids.
These--these--
Calm down, Winston.
These--these are your options, America.
Incredibly, they look entirely different from one another,
and yet somehow all look exactly like Merrick Garland.
Please tweet your choice--
Mollie, Biscuit, or Winston--
to #DogGarland,
and we will take them into due consideration.
Because even though the Senate is refusing
to decide something monumentally important,
we can still decide on something monumentally stupid.
That is our show.
Thank you so much for watching tonight.
We'll be back in two weeks.
Good night!
Good boy, good boy.
Good boy.
[classical music]
*
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